Committing

I have ached a long time for the courage to confront my self-consciousness and self-doubt and start writing. I have wanted to connect more with others on things that matter to me. I have wanted to tap into the crystallization of ideas that comes from the effort to butterfly-net them out of the brain.

The first post here was in 2005. Since then I have made countless lists of "blog post ideas." I have drafted posts, then set them aside to later get them to the point where they were "ready to share".

The adage says that it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. I want to reject this damning notion. I am so ready to be thought a fool. I am done shrinking and retiring to manage my self-image.

I am making a commitment to myself here and now to post to this blog every Sunday morning at 8:00 AM (EST!). I will write about the wonderful people in my life and about the ideas, books, and pursuits that capture my imagination, about the causes that I believe in and the causes that I oppose, about things I am struggling with and things I have learned. 

I have spent too long trying to figure everything out before connecting with others. I have spent too long trying to craft my words to avoid disapproval. I am ready to be open about where I am at right now. 

Wanna be friends?

How I am going to start liking graduate school again

I used to think the following about successful happy researchers in economics:

It's fun for them so they are passionate about it so they work hard so they have success.

Consequently, when research wasn't fun, I immediately began thinking of switching careers and becoming a database programmer or a family therapist or something.

It occurred to me that maybe it goes like this:

Researchers who work hard have success, success is fun, so they are passionate about research.

Our attitudes and behaviors flow from our paradigm. What comes of this new paradigm? If research isn't fun, work harder.

I have done plenty of jobs in my life about which I was not "passionate." That is not to say I wasn't successful at emptying trash cans in the BYU Library at 4am each morning. I know that I can muster the capacity to work even when it isn't fun. So I will work at my research in the same way: doggedly and diligently. My guess is that I will start feeling more successful and it will become fun again.

If I do decide to quit the program, it will be because I am successful at it but not happy. That would be telling. But the fact that I am unsuccessful, behind and unhappy doesn't tell me much about how well this career path suits me.